Loosing My Mother ...

It has been 15 days since I lost my Mother, but even today I feel she is somewhere around and not dead. This thought makes me emotionally secure but I also know, this is just a thought and not reality. Reality is she breathed her last on 26th August in Apollo Hospitals, MICU, Isolation ward ... I still think of those last few days, last few minutes before our Mom passed away.

This entire fear of loosing her started when I got a call on 25th of June, the day Michael Jackson died that 'Mom is in Emergency' from my sister. I rushed to Jayadeva hospital, on my way ofcourse I heard later that it is just a test in Emergency due to breathlessness and she did not have any cardiac arrest. While I sat in auto and I was thinking, suddenly I thought, oh is it like I'll loose my Mom today? On the same day of Michael Jacksons passing away? Wonder why this thought came. Later ofcourse we were all much relieved to see our Mother very much alright, we even had lunch together!

Michael Jackson remained so special in our hearts that his death was the most unpleasant news I ever heard. Today, I sometimes think, did Mom meet Michael Jackson in heaven? And did she tell him that her daughter (that is me) loved his Beat it song the most? Also will she compliment him for his dancing and entertaining abilities? Will my Mom also meet YSR and what will they talk like? Strange, but such thoughts do come ...

This day, 25th of June, I somewhere developed a fear within that anyday I might hear such a news about my Mom too ... and due to this I frequented my visits to her place. I also remember Mummy crying emotionally to see her daughters worried for her ... what a great soul she was! She loved us more than her own life, and she loved me too much. Precisely 3 months after this date, on 25th August she had a cardiac arrest, after which she was revived but declared as brain dead ... and 1 day after this, she stopped breathing.

These 3 months have been a roller coaster ride for Mom, she had many situations of sugar level getting high and feeling breathless. She even fell in my house on the carpet, followed by a unwanted blood clot in her thigh. And everytime I told her, Mom pls go and get yourself admitted for your fluctuating health and pain in your leg, she said 'Let Rayara Aradhane get over, I'll go'. And It's again strange, she visited Rayara Mutt and took prasada, and after this she got Viral Fever. Ofcourse later everything slipped out of our hands, fever lead to low saturation, and then her Kidney complicaiton, respiratory complication and finally cardiac arrest and brain dead. This was the only time she never wanted to go to hospital, wonder sometimes if she knew she was going to die ...

Though I was the one who got her admitted in the hospital on 13th of August, I was the one who heard her speaking last before the Ventillator Support, I was the last one to feed her milk when she craved for 'Saaru-Anna', I was the one who rushed first when she was brain dead after a cardiac arrest ... I was not the one around when she breathed her last! This was something I found very difficult to accept. I reached 7 min after she left us for ever. And I was again in an Auto, thinking if she is alive or dead ... I was listening to her all time favourite 'Chalte Chalte' from Pakeezah.

Post her death, I did not get much time to even cry. I had to be strong on the day her body was brought home ... to give stability to all my nephews and nieces and also keeping my Dad in mind. I saw her face for one last time when they were taking her for to the crematorium. It was a very traumatic situation.

Something within me died when I saw her dead though I told myself, I shall live my life to the fullest, celebrating each day like she did. Everynight she comes in my dreams and converses with us ... this makes me wake up thinking she is still alive, wish she was ... miss her too much!